Hyping and Hiding

Found myself popping into this website everynow and then. It's as tho, i have nothing better to do, which in a way, many will say so.

I could have started with part-time jobs while waiting to start, earning some extra income, without feeling the need of obsessively blogging out my thoughts. Whether it's an obsession anot, i' haven quite ascertain, but i always feel much better having the thoughts all typed out.

Was clearing my desk yesterday when i decided, why not clear that bottom drawer which has been untouched for months due to the fact, it was not in a convenient place to reach out. So, as i opened that drawer, i was amazed by the chunk of memories that was.. Chunked there. A small notebook revealed my earliest entry as i started my journal. Dated 27 Feb 1990. Haha. I was astonished and yet, smiling to myself as i read through those innocent, simple, boring(haha), contented entries of mine.

When i was 8 years old, I called people along with their surnames. I cant spell glad. "gald". I adore painting, going for art classes, i loved my primary school, simply becos it was Huge and it has a garden and i do P.E everyweek. I ACTUALLY adore responsibilites, and was GALD when i was made maths leader. Darn! I cant imagine how collecting maths exercise notebooks made me that happy.

But well, that's how simple things were then. And of cos, i'm happy because i get to see my friends everyday. About 50- words entry to summarise my day in school. Now, ask me to come up with 5oo words, i just shrug as i continue to crap.

And yes, i din throw out that notebook in the end. i kept it, along with the few books/diaries/journals that followed along these 16 years. And now, my journal took the form of a website. My handwriting and ink colour evolves to that of typing and choosing the font and colour depending on my mood. My pen and eraser (if i bothered deleting), now evolves to the keyboard and the mouse. In stead of keeping my journal in a drawer where it's exclusive to me, now, it's stored in the world wide web for people to see.

I wonder how the next 16 years will evolve. Maybe u can just store everything in a biometric chipcard Which, is prob inserted in you ( by some legal systems u know ...ERP), and u can expand the memory should it run out of space, so instead of visiting a website, u take out the various memories chip/chips and have your memories played virtually, or best still, keep them in a memory bank or something. Withdrawing as and when you want, you can keep your secrets safe in a safe, whatever.

Perhaps, as much as you can store, u can choose to erase memories like what "Eternal sunshine of the Spotless mind" has to offer.

There will be lesser things in this world that become irreversible. Come on, anti-aging products have already made it's debut, signalling the mark of how reversibility is here to stay. Ironic eh.

Well, randomic thoughts as usual. I've been an informal part-time tutor at home. Giving "advice", offering "solutions" to students from A level to that of tertiary level. Doing A level chemistry, Tertiary Maths when i realize, i need to rely on notes to recap what's going on. No longer can i just with a flare of my pen, scribbled relentlessly the solutions to amaze my sibilings. NO. Now, it's plain paper, questions, and textbooks/notes and leaving me for about few minutes to recap before i can attempt.

That's bad.

Anyway, i' dont know what came over me to just keep typing. So many things on my mind.

People around me have been puzzled with certain actions/decisions of mine. And i know, from my many blog entries, i am not one to elaborate on unhappiness and declare my troubles. i might, if i still use the little book, but now, no. Reading back on my old entries, i somewhat just hyped up the good stuffs and hide the negativity. Alittle like politics if you ask me.

I chanced a blog yesterday. An interesting and revealing as that. A gay's blog i've come to realize as i read further on. A guy who's not afraid to show who he is.

And it struck me, if this blog of mine is something that's going to remind me of who i truely am months, years down the road. Will i, many years from now, do a "open the drawer" and read back?

Maybe i will. And what i get, will be an overall good feeling of myself. I'm a forgetter, especially bad stuffs that happened. So, i prob be =).

Is it that bad, to forget the bad/unhappy stuffs?

I've been spending time alone, alot. Made more so, with late mornings, late breakfasts and quietness as the world moves on. And, i'm not very lonely.

Being alone and (sorry, the cat's meowing) and lonely can be two separate entities. I' ve in several occasions, felt more lonely in crowds than i was alone.

I can be alone and be glad to just take in the surroundings without a care. (but i think, i will be concious the moment someone spots me alone. Like "hey, what are u doing alone? Why are u out alone?"). As if, being alone is akin to ... (trying to think of example)==> why are you wearing two watches? Well, not a good analogy.

Being alone can be a choice, while being lonely is often not.

So, i've laid my plans today, a date with me, Myself and I. Hoping the weatherman does his job and approves my plan.

I'm popping a visit to the south of singapore --Sentosa. Armed with my camera, and i'm going to try out the luge. It's a weekday man. And that's why i have this plan. To maximise this period, so that i have less complaints when i start work.

I intend to visit a beach and afterwhich, i will make my way back to the mainland to Suntec to meet hunnywenny.

ice cream and gelare galore. i hope.

Now, i'm waiting for the batteries to fully charge so i can hopefully take lotsa pictures.

wish me luck.

P/s: Tot i drop this line off Times Magazine. Been reading some outdated unopened Times Magazine ever since i start clearing my stuffs. Outdated meaning year 2000. 6 years back. Pre-911. Pre- Tsunamis.

" Making everyone happy and telling the truth is a difficult art"-- journalist Lord Deeds.